Whew, the past few weeks have been a spiritual sort of crazy for me. From random, daily (physical) spiritual attacks to mental attacks, family attacks, and yep, of course, attacks on my marriage, I have been left a little beat down and honestly numb and struggling with sin and complacency most times.
It all started with a request to a big sort of ministry role, me not having an answer to move forward with and subsequently me (for some crazy reason) getting angry at and blaming God. What the heck is there to blame Him for? There wasn’t even any sort of answer or direction. I may share more about that in the future but we’ll see. (READ: me not getting what I think I deserved, throwing a hissy fit, and then pulling away from the most important person in my life, Jesus)
My walk with the Lord had started to falter and we all know that is the LAST position we want to be in during times of attack.
My brain tends to handle things in a funny sort of way and I am WAY TOO HARD on myself most times.
You see, when I go through times like this, my brain reverts to this defense mechanism state of numbness. This reaction stems from the trauma I dealt with as a child and I really struggle to try and control this automatic reaction when I face life’s certain struggles.
This reality drives me crazy though! I WANT to face things. I WANT to not be complacent. I WANT to not be numb to the realities and hurts of life. I WANT to deal with them, and move on.
The thing that is hardest for me is when it comes to facing sins in my life. I WANT to feel sorry for the things I do, I want to be able to confess, come clean, be cleansed and jump feet first back into Christ’s beautiful righteous day to day living but it is super hard for me to do this. I beg for days on end to feel the emotions that come along with repentance. It takes a lot of time and often I’m not met with the heartfelt emotions that (A assume should) come along with that. But, I trust Him and obey, and confess because He knows best and you know, my crazy feelings come back around after a few weeks.
But, in all this you know what? He knows. Jesus knows. He knows my heart. He knows that my deepest desire is to make my Daddy proud, not wallow in fear and hold grudges.
I’m reminded constantly that I cannot trust my feelings and emotions. While yes, they can be an indicator to spiritual realities, sometimes for me they can’t. The only reality is the Word. I can’t trust myself!
I was so comforted this week as we jumped into the life of David and his writings in the Psalms. Reminded that my stability and hope is in Jesus alone. Every bit of His character is revealed to me through His word and THAT is all I can cling to. He alone is my hope. He alone is my salvation, stability and strength. When my emotions, feelings and yes, mental state are straight up outta whack… He isn’t.
The Psalm above is my prayer for this week, and you know, Jesus is the only one with the power, desire and will to answer it!
Also on my heart this week? This.
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O Lord, You know it all.
You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
Do you know what the Spirit quickened in me the most in these verses? He knows it all, He is intimately acquainted with our ways and my favorite part? “You have enclosed me behind and before, and laid your hand upon me.” (verse 5) I felt so out of control (a huge hot mess!) and I can rest in knowing I am fortified and enclosed my Him even in those moments. No matter how unstable we feel, God is still strengthening and uplifting us. His hand is laid upon you sister. Be encouraged!
I apologize if this post is a bit all over the place, but this is my heart right now. Maybe you can relate… and if so, I hope you’ll find yourself flat on your face, landing right where I did… at the foot of His throne, enveloped in His mercy, grace and love.
How can I pray for you today?
